Doubt, Dialogue, Daughters and Daring to Believe

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For a while now, I have been pushing myself along and believing things in life will get better. Just as a light is seen through the mountain of crap falling around me, something else is dumped on.


Being a followers of Christ I have done my utmost to follow the written Word and yet nothing good is happening. I dare not question, but sometimes doubt filters through and I am confused. When I see this same confusion mirrored in the face of my daughters....I wonder how I can dare to not believe.

For twenty-six years I have been the only parent. Watched them grow from preemie sickies into beautiful women. I have become the epitome of the 'angry Black woman' Giving selflessly, refusing to break and cry (though I have wanted to) and struggling through. At least that's a description I read on a blog somewhere. Sounds like a parent to me.  Somehow I believed things would be different for the girls. They were reared in the church and have so much more knowledge about Christ than I  did at their ages and they haven't crossed the roads I have been down and yet they have to suffer the same. I have sometimes wondered if religion (Christianity) evolved as a form of security. Something to give us a resemblance of hope when all else seems lost and is it really real? How dare I just believe in someone's ideals?

The other day the youngest asked what was the use in prayer? Nothing changes. It has been (all capital letters) horrible the past 4-5 years and I'm lost as to what to tell her. Friday I brought her to the doctor and we were told to find her a cardiologist. Dang. I dare not say things can only get better (anymore) because it seems to bring on the deluge.Honest to God, sometimes I just can't bare to hear another platitude. I need a miracle, a surprise, a something....

I told her I have been having this dialogue with God and so far He's letting me vent while He's mulling over the problem. Eventually, I'm sure He'll remember we need His help and will turn around and see us tugging on His robe. As for today, the light bill has gotten payed, all of my daughters have waken. Two have hit the highways and I continue to dare and believe.

5 comments:

WELCOME TO MY WORLD OF POETRY: said... Best Blogger Tips

Have hope and believe,

Take care.

Yvonne,

melodygreen said... Best Blogger Tips

(((hugs))) to you. I've been thinking on this post all day... and trying to blog on a difficult time in my life when I had many of the same feelings. It is incredibly tough to keep faith and perspective through years of tough times. I don't have any answers for you... just my belief that it is okay to ask the questions. One practice I have found helpful during rough times is just to keep an eye on the little things I am thankful for through the day -- today it is the beautiful weather and the fact I found a quarter at Aldi so I could get a shopping cart instead of juggling groceries and a preschooler! :) That doesn't make all of the tough stuff go away but it helps bring a little hope into the picture. Thanks for sharing this blog post today.

Debra Harris-Johnson said... Best Blogger Tips

I can tell you from experience that it is darkest before the dawn, this to shall past, and God puts us through some really hard tests. I've been through it all and believe me there are much worse things then lack of finances.
That said, you are one of the most talented women I have ever known. Your time will come as we have heard the stories of people that struggled for years without a break. Look at J K Rowlins...homeless and out of money then came Harry Potter. I am betting all my money on you! You can do this. It's o.k. to let God know how you feel about your situation and how you feel about him. He is our father and as a father (parent) He wants us to be honest. I am lifting you and your daughters up in prayer, so high that no further bad luck comes your way. Believe it!!!!!

The Voice said... Best Blogger Tips

Thank you guys for commenting. Though I say I don't want to hear, I feel so much better.

Shannon said... Best Blogger Tips

I am a Child of God too, and I have had those kind of years...God hears you, and He has a perfect plan for you all...His time is not like our time...keep the faith, don't give up...God will never give you something to bear without giving you the tools needed to bear it! Blessings to you, praying for you.

Sincerely,
your newest follower

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